Single in Beirut: Yes, Ammo, I live alone.
By Sara AG for Sawtalniswa 2010
By Rana K.
The life of a single woman in Beirut.
Sounds like such a fun, sexy life, full of great parties, exciting weekends, fantastic getaways! And it is. Well, some of the time. But a lot of the time, it is annoying, difficult, tiring, and even enraging – to the point that I have perfected the art of simply smiling and ignoring the comments I hear almost every single day, so I do not launch yet another endless rant on why being unmarried is not necessarily indicative of some personal failure.
See, this “single” status at the advanced age of 27 almost invariably raises a red flag in Beirut. People want to help me, fix me, or hit on me.
“You’re still single? A pretty girl like you? But I’m sure many guys flirt with you, are you too picky perhaps? Maybe too intimidating?” Either that, they decide, or I am too demanding, too independent, too educated, or too well paid to “need” a man. I mean, there must be something wrong with me, since I am nearing thirty, yet wearing a ring only on my middle finger. The wrong finger apparently.
Many of my colleagues and friends try to “help” me. “Why don’t you fix yourself up a bit? Girls in Beirut are very hot, you need to make an effort… and there aren’t many single guys left.” And how can I possibly explain to them that I like the way I am, that this is me. Why would I want a guy who is attracted to what is categorically not me? And besides, why is it that the only fathomable reason I am single is due to men’s supposed preferences? What about my preferences?
My neighbors have a very different attitude towards me. I live in a small, overpopulated neighborhood, surrounded by families, senior citizens, and children. I may just be the only single girl over 18 in the vicinity. Which attracts the occasional rose or note on my car, but also the not-so-occasional investigation into my status and lifestyle. Yes Ammo, I live alone, without my parents, I work, and I am neither married nor engaged. Yes Tante, I do pay the rent. I also call the plumber when something goes wrong, and I am also the one who gets the car fixed. And yes, I do all this without a man in the house, or an all-mighty penis of my own! I feel their looks, this strange mix of pity, admiration, shock, curiosity and the desperate hope that their daughters won’t end up like me.
Generally, they are nice to me, as I am to them, polite and friendly. But it all changes when there is a man with me. They become curious, offended and judgmental and my hello is seldom returned, as they are too busy examining this creature I am walking with. “Her cousin perhaps? No, look how he holds her hand. Yiii. 3aib.” So let me understand this. They want me to transition seamlessly from single to married? I’m not supposed to have a man around who isn’t my husband? So… shall I order one from a catalog? How does it work? Or maybe I am doing it the right way, but failing to hide the process well enough?
Never fear, though, as colleagues, neighbors, friends and strangers alike are usually kind enough to reassure me that my day will come. “Don’t worry, you’re a nice girl, you’ll find yourself a man.” Oh, great, I’m so glad you think I’m worthy of this only possible “happy ending.”
And you would think – if you didn’t know any better – that the situation would not be totally dissimilar for single men. And you would hope that, somehow, there would be a kind of solidarity among all of us single people in this “you should be getting married” age group, born out of this pervasive scrutiny and pressure. But some single guys just make it worse. They feel they embody the elusive goal all of us single girls strive for – clearly they’re the savior all of us spinsters-to-be hope for – and as such, they act as though my being single means there is no reason I could possibly not be interested in them. Often, they approach me as a person would approach a kitten, begging with her tragically innocent eyes to be picked up.
In short, I am made to feel, on a daily basis, that I am flower to be plucked. I should not be the one choosing, I should be the one who is chosen. “Too picky” means I have an opinion and preferences regarding my potential partner. Which is why, they conclude, I am still single. Apparently all I have to do is make of myself a desirable wife, and wait. Easy!
All of that being said I, personally, have nothing against marriage. I actually do hope to get married, one day. But for now, at least, I am enjoying being single. Why does this bother others? Why am I asked to constantly defend it? Why do they make me feel as though I am nothing more than a problem in need of solving, a free radical in need of pairing, so that I may finally become stable, benign, whole? Perhaps I am making this more complicated than it really is. Perhaps, after all, this is nothing more than yet another aspect of our multi-faceted Lebanese intolerance.
Category: Featured, opinions رأي
Really! You want to tell me that an intelligent girl like you doesn’t know the answer as to why people react that way, in Lebanon?!!!
I’m surprised!
Anyway, don’t worry, you’re a nice girl, I’m sure you’ll find yourself a man.
(Just kidding!)
Fantastic! Thank you. Keep up living exactly the way you want, hopefully your neighbours’ daughters WILL be like you!
تحية على هذا المقال.
بالإضافة إلى التمييز الذي تتعرض له النساء في لبنان، فإن التضييق الإجتماعي الذي ذكرتيه في المقال يتعرض له جميع العازبين الذين تخطوا السن المفترضة للزواج.
المجتمع اللبناني يعتبر أن المرأة إن تخطت الـ25 أو الرجل الذي تخطى الـ35 و لم يتزوج بعد، فإن هناك مشكلة في هذا الشخص و يتعرض إذن لمضايقات (كما هو مذكور في المقال، المضايقات قد تكون أيضا تحت حجة المساعدة كالتطوع للبحث عن زوح أو زوجة).
الشباب العازب الذي ما زال في عشريناته يظل يعتبره المجتمع بأنه في سن الزواج، و لذلك لا يتعرض للمضايقة كثيرا. و الأمر نفسه بالنسبة للفتاة في بداية عشريناتها.
إذن فالمشكلة أساسها هي في رؤية المجتمع للعزوبية و تقدسيه للزواج.
طبعا، التمييز ضد النساء يزيد من معاناة النساء العازبات.
There is another that I really like, and it is especially popular among service drivers:
والله الشباب ما عندن نظر
.. and love you description of the Lebanese men.. they are generally spoiled, and the fact that demographically their numbers are lower makes them think they are special..
But then a side note, I have lived many “unmarried years” in houses of my own, called the plumber (and managed to learn some about it).. and if you give people some time, they will usually accept your way of life.. I find that people in Beirut are changing some in that respect..
Well Rana, I need to tell you that this is the case of every society in this world. Ofcourse, it doesn’t have to be exactly the same, but the outcome is one. I live in the U.S. and it is really hard to live a single life, especially in my state. I mean you can watch Sex and the City and it reflects how most of the American females look at relationships, and sometimes are desperate to have them.
You just have to take it easy and go with the flow. After all, you are still the center of your neighbrs’, friends’, and parents’ attention.
well rana try being a single lebanese above 26 living in the gulf… and hear the comments everyday… from people you know to any random human you might meet… constantly bombraded with the “oh you’re single!”… “oh… isn’t it hard to live alone? don’t you feel you need a man to take care of you???”
to the phone calls from the parents: “Shu ya mama mafi 7adan heik heik??!!”
guess the best thing is to just ignore and let them deal with it
Ya Rana…. I hear you
and I enjoyed reading it a lot….. try to be divorced living alone oooolalalaaa.
Muznatii, how about: ليش طلَّقِك؟ And I am not sure if people are changing or I just do not notice anymore.
lara
“They want me to transition seamlessly from single to married? I’m not supposed to have a man around who isn’t my husband? So… shall I order one from a catalog?” – you said it.
With time, it does become tiring explaining yourself, but I always look at it this way: if you only live once, you might as well choose the kind of life you want to live. Full stop. Everything comes at a price, ours is a small sum to pay for a life self-chosen.
You go girl!!!!
Great article Rana!!! I guess this is the story of many of us. but my favorite when people know that I know a single guy who fits the profile of being a “3ariss” or a husband, their reply would be: “eh shtighleh 3leih! ” means “work on him” to get it as a husband. my question remains: How???!!! ya3neh I put him on my kitchen table and cook over him, or I put him on my desk and put my keyboard on him and work?!!!!!! bass their response laziz (i.e. cute) maheik?
all of what was said in the article made complete sense. lebanese girls, to be fair actually almost 90% of girls, dream of finding mr prince charming and getting their happy ending disregarding their initial dreams. they’d rather settle into a life of marriage and routine just to feel socially accepted. i am a single person not willing to ever give commitment a chance because i want to fulfill my dreams. make them come true. not just compromise my dreams for the sake of societies expectations. no matter what, once 2 individuals are committed, they each give up part of their dreams and resent the other one for doing that. who cares if you’re 20 30 40 or 70 and single? people have no right to judge you as long as you’re satisfied with who you are and what you’ve achieved in your life span.
I just want to say, THANK YOU! awesome article! it’s so nice to know I’m not the only one who thinks this way.
Lebanon?? People act the same way in Italy!
… and the majority of the rest of the world!
Great article!
You know what will really mess them up…learn some basic plumbing and mechanics and fix the car/plumbing yourself. I did something similar, it messes with peoples minds; oh and im single, live alone and pay the rent.
Great article. I agree with Elena…this isn’t just in Lebanon but all over the world. The naked truth is no one wants to live alone forever. However, I do think it’s important for everyone to live “independently” for a while before settling down. I think it’s quite difficult for women to move from their parents’ home to their husbands’ home. It’s necessary to find ‘yourself’ before you can recognise your ‘significant other’. If you don’t know and love yourself, then you can’t decide what you want from a man and therefore just settle. It’s really important for us to work, live alone, gain our independence and then marry because we love someone, not because he will pay the bills or fix the car….in the same way, a man should not marry just to have his house made cosy or have home cooked meals….this way we can be sure to have a solid relationship based on trust and love rather than based on convenience.
hi rana it was nice to read your note, well my story is about the same me as well i live alone,
tc
well i will like to meet you if you like, so pls feel free to email me at any time and i hope soon
i will see your email in my inbox