Living your politics at night in Hamra
by Sonya Knox
Let’s say you were raised in Lebanon in a pretty traditional family – even though your father worked in the Gulf for a while and you have a cousin who studies in Paris and comes home wearing unusual, artistic, clothing – but your mom has pretty much done what’s expected and what’s needed of her to keep the family going and you were never really rewarded for rocking the boat.
But you volunteered with a progressive NGO during the July war and started to realize that you were sick of being defined by all of these structural factors you have no control over. So you’re smart, you’re curious, you’ve already read Simone de Beauvoir and Virginia Wolf, and now you’ve left your family two hours away to come study sociology in Beirut. And you don’t really give a shit about your virginity – although you know your family and holy fuck all of the village does – but you’d quite like to fall in love.
And then you probably meet at a bar in Hamra, or at a progressive lecture, or at this really interesting art festival and he’s standing with a friend of your friend and you notice him and he notices you and the fates all come together you end up talking and talking. And he’s charming, and funny, and politically aware, and supportive of minorities and the marginalized and can even quote Mahmoud Darwish ad naseum. And you meet the next night, and the night after, and then by the time the last bar in Hamra has closed and all of his friends – who have been so, so nice to you – have finally left, you not only want to spend the night, you’re determined to.
And you sleep together. And maybe it’s your first time, maybe not, but you know – much as you wanted the sex and know that it’s your right to have and to enjoy sex and have been doing your best to lay this boy since you first met him – you know that your mother would never forgive you if she found out, and that your uncle would – well – better to not think about that.
And let’s say, after the morning coffee, he says he’ll call. And you wait, and of course he doesn’t. And after a few days, during which you’ve gone from excitement to despair to indignation, attempted a facebook investigation and even sent a non-threatening text message (not responded to), your friend of his friend invites you out for a drink. And you, of course, get all dressed up and act like you don’t care and you almost pull it all off really well until you actually run into him. Except that you don’t really run into him because he sees you across the bar, and you say a three-kiss hello, and then he ignores you. And his friends ignore you, too, in solidarity. And the rest of the night you sit with your friend of his friend while he chats up some other girl and try really, really hard not to care.
Eventually, you realize that he’s actually rather pathetic and painfully insecure and just generally beneath your notice and you no longer despise yourself for thinking he was actually a meaningful person you could connect to if only you tried a little harder. And, you explain to your friend of his friend, the sex wasn’t even that good – at all! – and besides, you don’t really have time for some guy who doesn’t understand that, given that we’re the ones fighting the patriarchy, it’s incumbent – fuck it’s flat-out required – that he show you the minimum of respect for being strong enough to break one of society’s dominant rules, and calls you the next day. And it’s hard, but after all, assholes are found world-wide, and it’s just unfortunate that this particular one had all the trappings of someone more progressive, and yet, in the end acted like your typical patriarchal male. So, once the vast Sahara of a difference between the politics he espouses and the way he lives his personal life becomes painfully clear, you pick yourself up and go on.
Of course you do.
You’re a strong, smart woman and you learn, and hopefully next time you pick a little more wisely. But it’s hard. You’ve got this choir in your head representing the entire village and its collective “honor codes” that won’t shut up, espousing a barrage of antiquated expectations all related to a part of your body that really only you should control and that, actually, has nothing at all do with whether or not you’re a “good girl.” This part of you – the choir in your brain that you normally don’t listen to because it says things like, “life would be easier if you just married your cousin in Kuwait even though he’s stupid” – lectures you non-stop about how this is what happens whenever you break one of society’s rules. This is the punishment you get for trying to be free, this is the result of trying to liberate yourself, this is what happens when you live your politics.
And you know that this isn’t true. You know that virgin or not, relationship or no, hell, fucking or not fucking, that he’s still just an asshole and that you’ve got your whole life to go out and do great wonderful things because you’re a brave smart woman.
And, of course, you do.
But, seriously, does it have to be this hard? Why do all these self-declared progressive, worldly, politically aware, non-discriminatory, revolutionary – hell the would-be vanguard of the intelligentsia – men think that this is acceptable behavior? Why have they not yet learned that just because we want to fuck them but not marry them doesn’t mean that we’ve given them a license to be assholes? Why is it impossible for them to be respectful the next day – even when they don’t want a relationship? Why are they not kept up at night wondering about the difference between their liberation politics and their personal reinforcement of the patriarchy?
But, much more importantly, where is the sisterhood that should go out and socially castrate these assholes? Where is the feminist movement that reinforces that yes it is ok to have sex, where and when and how and how often you want, but: You deserve to be treated with respect during and after. Where is the sisterhood to support you before, to occasionally warn you during, and to unconditionally support you after? Why don’t our sisters ever confront these assholes and tell them “do not ever treat me and mine this way again!” Why do we – no matter where we’re from – still sometimes accept that because we broke one of the patriarchy’s rules, then we can be treated with anything less than the utmost of respect?
Category: hereandthere من هنا وهناك, Sexuality جنسانية, women's rights
Beautiful ya Sonya, it brought a smile to my face.
Fantastic article!! Thanks Sonya.
Thank you for writing this piece. I ENJOYED reading it! You raised some good points too!
“Why have they not yet learned that just because we want to fuck them but not marry them doesn’t mean that we’ve given them a license to be assholes?”
Hope to read more of ur work soon!
Good stuff.
I just wanted to say that I linked to this post and made a small comment on it.
Nothing but the truth.
The so-called sisterhood condemns the liberal woman just as much. It is so sad to see that we women can be so hypocritical.
Yet nothing is sadder than this illogical emphasis on other people’s sexuality. Would it not be more sensible to judge people by their character and not by who they choose to sleep with? Has anyone asked themselves the question: what are the repercussions on MY life if she (it’s never he, unless he’s a homosexual) decides, on her own free will, to make love, empty or rich, how does it affect MY life?
Such long-sightedness.
Welcome to Lebaville, where we the women/the society/the testosterones are culturally enabled with provoking women & ourselves to work our asses off for the sake of acquiring the ” I’m Independent” status, but God forbid we become independent when it comes to our relationships, how we laugh, or if we do not cross our legs properly at the dinner table.
Go Louder Sonya!
Best,
Rasha
so…it seems that even feminists in lebanon are just little princesses! I don’t understand how this is related to patriarchy? consider this: So he fucked her and didn’t call, probably didn’t like the sex. Is that possible?
I find this quite bizarre. I am from the West if that makes a difference, it probably does.
Firstly I think this demostrates exactly why the rules that she was determined to break were there in the first place.
She states that she has a “right to have and to enjoy sex “, although why she thinks this a “right” isn’t stated, perhaps the man thought he had a similar right. Why shouldn’t he? If sex is something he had a “right” to have and enjoy it doesn’t imply any other obligations, does it?
The problem is, the writer wants to do as she pleases, but objects to others doing the same.
Nizar : you are so smart. yes the feminists in Lebanon are princesses.
occidental: do men get killed in honor crimes? do they go under the pressure of preserving their virginity? please reread the article, all of it.
My dear Dajij, I reread the article as requested and can’t find anything about honour killings in it. I am not sure what point you are trying to make.
There is no natural equality between the sexes, men find women much more attractive than vice versa, so that does give woman something of an advantage over man, but it depends how she uses it.
A further point is the signal the writer sends by sleeping with the man. He might think that she is a good catch, but that she sleeps with him without wanting anything in return, he will then think it not worthwhile to invest any further time with her because she will easily meet other “charming, and funny, and politically aware” and cast him aside.
I love you more and more with every word..Write more
I’ve done this to men I’ve slept with as well – a one night stand is sometimes simply just a one night stand, and I’m sure in at least some of the cases the guys thought I was a complete asshole because of that. Maybe this is less indicative of an individual man’s sexism, and more about differing expectations and a general lack of honesty or directness that has come to characterize many of the relationships between men and women. It’s not always only the man at fault.
Occidental, by your reading though, the problem definitely lies with the guy if he actually espouses those retarded ideas.
What a great thought-provoking piece. keep writing.
I really enjoyed this piece, and I’ve definitely been there.
But it’s also up to women–something the article alludes to–to demand better treatment and respect for ourselves from the men around us, not lie down and wait for it to come. Sometimes that means not sleeping with men who will likely discard us, if we know that’ll hurt. Or searching out sex with men who are good enough to make a one-night stand pleasurable, regardless of what happens later. Or it could mean coming to terms with the idea that a one-night-stand won’t mean anything, and he won’t call, and that’s okay, because what you’re worth doesn’t depend on male affirmation.
I’m confused. Why is the hypothetical reader of this article EXCLUSIVELY heterosexual?
Why does the author not even allow the idea of a woman attracted to a woman reading the article?
As much as I am for many of the points raised, how could you perpetuate heterosexism and attempts to hide or ignore Lebanese queer folk in an article on a FEMINIST website? outrageous.
Dear outraged Reza,
The article stems from a personal experience that is related to the author. The article didn’t dwell or even attempted to dwell on sexuality in general. A personal perspective, that is it. We need to allow women to express their stories and share it as is, with out having conditions and criteria for them to speak out. Straight, gay or asexual woman need to share their experiences as it is, with out them having to justify or to add things. But sure we need to perhaps assign someone to talk about the queer experience, its a good idea. thank
I really enjoyed your article. I come from New Zealand, and the men here (and other countries I’ve been to) all treat women the same. I think it is part of a backlash or consequences from the feminist wave in the 70s, where they fought for women’s sexual freedom, but instead it is seen by men as a way for easier sex. Men used to have to marry women who they knocked up, but now men expect women to be on the Pill or get an abortion. It is simply another responsibility that women are expected to handle. I’m not sure what options we have as women to be able to express ourselves but be respected. I suggest that we probably need to engage men in the problem and educate them. Either that or just not sleep with them.
AMEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!